


Catharsis

by kooili



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 05:40:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13606731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kooili/pseuds/kooili
Summary: The stress of a secret relationship, plus an evening with nothing but Olivia's voicemail for company, leads Alex to put two and two together and make five.





	Catharsis

“ _You have reached the voicemail for...”_

Alex thumbed the end call button and frowned. That unpleasant feeling was building up inside the pit of her stomach once again and it grew stronger with each unanswered call. In her logical attorney’s mind she knew, she _knew,_ that there was a perfectly innocent reason why Olivia wasn’t picking up her phone, but logic was running a distant second to emotion.

She glanced at the clock again, knowing full well that it would show the time as two minutes later than when she last looked at it. Olivia was probably asleep, like she too should be.

_Go to bed Alexandra._

She sighed, moving to place the phone back on the table but her finger hovered over the call button, itching to press it again. It was two in the morning and every scenario she had run through her head had an unhappy ending. Alex knew that getting the voicemail again would just deepen the paranoia, but what if Olivia answered? In her current state of mind it could only lead to angry words or tears, possibly both.

Alex took a deep breath and forced the knot that had risen up into her throat back into her stomach. She picked up the phone again and slipped it into her briefcase before climbing into bed. Hopefully sleep would come easier with that distraction out of the way. Out of sight, out of mind right?

**************

Elliot heard her arrival before he saw the blonde striding through the squad room doors. His brow furrowed instinctively. There weren’t many times Alex Cabot cared to grace the SVU with her presence this early in the morning, and every single time it had meant shit of some immense proportion was about to hit the fan. He began to regret sticking donut duty on his partner. Olivia was one of the few people he knew who was capable of holding her own in the other woman’s presence.

“Good morning Counsellor.”

The blonde nodded distractedly as she scanned the bullpen. Elliot took the opportunity to assess the situation.

No file or warrant in her hand. That was always a good sign. She could be looking for the Captain to break out the bad news but, no. They could both see him at his desk through the open office door but Alex made no move in that direction. In fact the normally self-assured woman seemed... nervous?

“Looking for something, Alex?”

“Did crime call in sick? Where’s everyone?”

“Munch and Fin caught a case first thing and Liv’s running a little late today.”

Alex’s raised eyebrow inviting him to continue.

“Things got over-enthusiastic at Chauncey’s last night. My partner drew the short straw and had to play escort.”

“Escort?”

Elliot smirked. “Yeah, all part of the job. To serve and protect _and_ uphold the virtue of hapless ADAs when required.”

“Wha...”

Before she could finish the question, a familiar voice caught her attention and made her turn  around in reflex. On any other occasion, she would have taken that moment to indulge in the sight before her eyes. Alex hadn’t thought she’d had a thing for leather jackets and skin-clinging jeans until they met. Now that she had, she couldn’t imagine how she had managed to survive so long as a philistine. Olivia Benson epitomised the look and it had taken her breath away every time she’d laid eyes on her since.

Not today.

Not when all the knots that had been wound up so firmly in the pit of her stomach unravelled and then tightened like ropes around her chest when she recognised the person smiling brightly at Olivia’s words.

_Casey._

“Fresh from the fryer.” Olivia flashed her a brilliant smile before dumping the box of donuts onto Elliot’s desk.

“Hi, Alex.” Right behind her, a paler than usual Casey Novak balanced the tray of coffee precariously on one hand while holding on to a half-eaten donut in the other.

“Novak.”

Her voice could have cut through plate glass but the redhead appeared not to have noticed. Olivia did, and the smile on her face faded. It took a conscious effort not to automatically reach for Alex’s hand. After all those years of tiptoeing around each other, the two women were finally on solid ground but they had both agreed to keep the relationship out of their professional lives. Even if there wasn’t the risk that a conflict of interest would arise, and along with it the issue of impartiality, there were Alex’s higher aspirations to consider. As she’d once candidly observed to Olivia, most people were liberals until it came to election time.

“Detective, I need a word with you about the Peyton case.”

Her voice was calm, professional, but Olivia knew something was wrong. Something always was when Alex refused to look her in the eye. Without waiting for a response, Alex strode towards one of the smaller interview rooms. Olivia gave her partner a questioning look, hoping he could shed some light onto the situation, but Elliot answered with a shrug.

_Only one way to find out._

She squared her shoulders and started towards the open doorway when Elliot called out.

“Hey Liv...”

She turned around in time to see him cross himself, a grin plastered on his face. The gesture would have earned him more than a glare if she hadn’t any troubles of her own to worry about.

************

“I need you to interview the witness again,” Alex said brusquely, barely allowing her confused lover time to cross the threshold.

Olivia arched an eyebrow in surprise.

“Why? Everything checked out the first time. I thought the judge issued a warrant for the boyfriend’s arrest.”

“I think she’s lying.”

“Based on what?”

“Based on the holes in her story. Amanda Peyton just happened to confide her deepest secrets to her best friend and suddenly she’s assaulted and raped the very next day?”

“There’s no way to tell when she told her but it doesn’t mean anything. They’re friends.”

“Sounds like they may be more than just friends.”

Olivia frowned.

“There’s no proof of anything going on between Amanda and Alicia. Where are you getting this from?”

Alex tossed a file on the desk. “The phone calls, emails, chat logs...call it experience at reading between the lines.”

It was impossible to miss the sarcasm that laced that last remark. They could keep pretending to talk about work but it would just be prolonging the inevitable. Olivia turned and clicked the door shut, her fingers testing the knob to make sure it was locked.

“This isn’t about the case, is it?”

Alex had her back to her but Olivia could tell from the way her posture stiffened that she was right. Not waiting for an answer, she closed the distance between them and placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder.

“What’s wrong?”

The familiar hand radiated a warm comfort even through layers of suit and shirt and Alex found herself automatically relaxing into the touch. How did she manage to do so much to her with just one gesture? The hand gently turned her around and Alex knew that the moment she looked into Olivia’s eyes, she would fall apart. She couldn’t - wouldn’t - let it happen like this. Steeling herself, she shrugged the hand away, keeping her eyes firmly focused on the grain of the table. The older woman closed that gap immediately, not giving Alex the chance to push her away.

“Please talk to me, Alex.”

They were standing so close and all Olivia wanted to do was to pull the younger woman into her embrace. Her fingernails dug painfully into the palms of her hands as she fought the instinct to reach out and touch Alex again.

“Sweetie?”

That single term of endearment finally broke any remnant of control Alex had been clinging to. She straightened up and drew a deep breath.

“I’m not ready to talk to you.” Her voice was firm but the watery rims lining her eyes betrayed the agony beneath.

“What did I...?”

Alex shook her head and took a step away from the detective.

“We don’t have time to do this right now, Olivia.”

Olivia glanced at the closed door and decided instantly. “We’ll make the time. I want to know what’s wrong.”

“Dammit Olivia, just go.”

The older woman crossed her arms and sighed. She loved Alex more than life itself but it hurt when she went down this road.

“And where am I supposed to be going when my girlfriend is upset?”

More silence. Olivia sometimes wondered how the same tongue that flayed perps and charmed juries with such finesse managed to turn to stone each time they had this

conversation.

“Maybe you should start from the beginning because I’m not sure what I’ve done to upset you this much.”

When Alex finally spoke, the detective almost wished she hadn’t. Her voice was as hard as the ice in her eyes.

“You know what, just forget it. I should have figured that you were out having a good time instead of lying dead in a ditch.”

The pieces finally clicked into place.

“Jesus Alex, not this again. You knew I was with the guys at Chauncey’s.”

“Right, and Novak just happened to crash the party?”

“No,” Olivia answered evenly, “I invited Casey to have a drink with us after work. It’s what friends do, Alex.”

Alex snorted derisively. “Give me a break, Benson. The way she looks at you, I don’t even need to read between the lines.”

“For the hundredth time Alex, there is nothing...”

A shrill ringing sound silenced Olivia and sent both women fumbling for their phones.

“Cabot.”

In a split second, she slipped back into her professional mode. Olivia cursed softly knowing full well that this conversation would have to be postponed yet again. She waited until Alex clicked her phone shut before reaching out to touch her hand.

“Alex...

“I need to go.”

“We’ll talk about this later.”

At least this time, she didn’t shake her hand away. Olivia took it as a sign of encouragement and covered the slender fingers with her own, lingering, waiting for a reaction. Alex pulled her hand out from underneath Olivia’s, fighting the urge to tangle their fingers together and break her resolve.

“I need to go,” Alex repeated flatly.

Olivia watched in silence as the blonde pulled away and strode out of the room. Taking a deep breath, she concentrated on blinking back the tears that she didn’t want to explain to Elliot when she went back outside.

********************

Elliot didn’t like coming up here under normal circumstances but he liked it even less today. The ancient elevator finally dinged to a halt and he exited. They’d had to twist some rules to get the warrant and that meant that he could expect to get a speech on criminal procedures and limitations from Cabot. The door of her office was ajar but he rapped softly on the wood before pushing it open. Alex looked up from the file she was reading and signalled for him to enter.

“Detective.” She greeted him politely but her gaze lingered on the open doorway. Elliot could have sworn that he saw a momentary look of disappointment on Alex’s face before her usual cool mask went up. She flipped through the pile of papers on her desk before pulling out a blue-jacketed document.

“I had to call in a big favour to get this warrant so you need to follow it to the letter.”

“In other words, don’t screw up, right, counsellor?” Elliot’s face twisted into a wry grin.

“Your words, not mine, Elliot. And make sure your partner knows the deal.”

Elliot shook his head, chuckling softly as he accepted the folder.

“There must be something in the air today because between the two of you, I feel like I’m in the middle of a war zone.”

Alex looked at him, unamused.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Elliot took a deep breath before speaking. This was the other reason why he wasn’t looking forward to coming here.

“I don’t know what you said to Olivia earlier but it’s tearing her apart.”

To her credit, Elliot observed, Alex’s face would have revealed nothing more than mild surprise at his statement if he didn’t know what to look for. It wasn’t hard, since it was the same mask of apparent indifference that his partner had been wearing with greater frequency of late.

“Detective Benson and I had a disagreement about the case but I didn’t expect her to take it personally.”

Elliot sighed.

“Look, Alex, you can drop the act. I know what’s been going on between you and Liv.”

A flush of colour rose in Alex’s face even as she forced her voice to come out evenly.

“I don’t know where you’re getting all this from, Stabler.”

Elliot snorted.

“Olivia didn’t say anything to me if that’s what you’re worried about. It’s just fucking typical that’s the only thing you’re concerned about.” Elliot paused, his voice softening when he saw the anguish in the lawyer’s eyes as her facade started to crumble. “I’m a detective, Alex but it doesn’t take a gold shield to figure out why my partner’s been walking around with a sappy grin on her face right after she gets off the phone with you.”

Alex reddened to the roots of her hair.

“Are we that obvious?”

“No. But Liv’s like a sister to me and I can tell when she’s happy even when she’s not supposed to let it show. Just like I know when she’s hurting inside.”

“I didn’t mean to...” Alex started to protest but Elliot cut her off in a firm voice.

“You should have seen the look on her face after you left. It sure as hell wasn’t work that cut her so deep. And worst of all, she can’t talk about it to anyone. For what it’s worth, you’ve put her in a hell of a position Cabot.”

This time the blonde’s already pale features lightened significantly.

“I didn’t choose for the situation to be like this, Elliot.”

“I have news for you counsellor, Olivia Benson isn’t a ‘situation’ to be chosen or dealt with. Keep acting like she is and you’ll lose the best thing you’ve ever had.”

It wasn’t as if these words were anything new to her. God knew how many times they had bounced around inside her head as she played both judge and jury to her own conscience, but this was the first time someone else had said it out loud. All of a sudden, the only thing Alex wanted to do was to see her lover, even if her current absence was a good indication that the feeling wasn’t mutual.

“She’s not mad with you,” Elliot said, as if reading her mind.

“I wouldn’t blame her for not wanting to see me,” Alex answered quietly.

Elliot sighed. Part of him wanted to leave her languishing in the same agony that his partner had been in all day, but he knew that Alex was the only one who could make things right for Olivia.

“She’ll kill me when she finds out that I told you, but you should be with her right now.”

Alex’s brow knitted in confusion.

“Where is she, Elliot?”

The detective stood up and checked his watch.

“Fin picked her up from the ER half an hour ago so she should be home by now.”

Elliot smiled to himself as the svelte blonde tore through her office door like a hurricane. Olivia would be lucky if she didn’t need another trip to the hospital after this.

********************

The initial anxiety and panic that had clouded her head the entire drive over had grown exponentially after she’d been greeted by the machine on both Olivia’s cell and house phone. Alex stood in front of the door, palm fisted, ready to pound down the wooden surface when a loud ringing noise startled her. She groaned in frustration as she fumbled through the various pockets in her coat trying to locate the elusive device before the ringing stopped.

“Cabot,” Alex growled into the phone, a frown forming on her face when she realised it was her assistant. “No, Liz, this is not a good time. What is it?” The crease on her forehead deepened as she listened the voice on the other end of the line. “He wants to do what?! No, you tell Langan that I’ll see him in chambers tomorrow morning as scheduled and if he tries to wheedle his way out of it again, the deal’s off. And I’ll make sure Petrovsky throws his sorry ass in jail for contempt. Yes, you can quote me...”

Alex leaned against the wall in the hallway, making affirmative noises as the other woman confirmed her instructions before snapping the phone shut with a sigh.

“Alex?"

It took the blonde a few seconds to realize that the door she’d been intent on breaking down just minutes ago had opened and Olivia was standing right in front of her. The older woman looked similarly confused as she rubbed her eyes with one hand. Her other hand, however, was wrapped from knuckles to wrist in a thick swab of bandages. The momentary confusion cleared instantly at the sight of her lover’s hand. Her lover’s _injured_ hand.

“What are you doing here, Alex?” Olivia asked, her voice still thick with sleep.

Alex grasped Olivia’s good hand and pulled her into the apartment, kicking the door shut behind them. The detective searched her girlfriend’s taut expression and saw something she very rarely saw on Alexandra Cabot’s face.

Fear.

“Alex, stop.” Olivia stilled their forward motion by pulling the younger woman towards her as best she could with just one hand. Relief surged through her body when Alex did not resist.

“Look at me.” She paused deliberately until the baby blues shimmering with emotion stared back at her. “Now, take a deep breath and tell me what’s wrong.”

The counsellor disengaged herself from Olivia’s embrace and gently lifted the bandaged hand.

“This. Why didn’t you call me? ”

It was Olivia’s turn to examine the floor tiles. “I wasn’t sure you wanted to talk to me after this morning.”

“Olivia, I always want to talk to you. You know that.”

“And I want to tell you everything. It’s just hard to do that when it seems to hurt us both when I do.”

Alex felt a prickle of guilt and shame running down her spine.

“I’m sorry...I behaved badly.”

Olivia tangled their fingers together before answering gently. “Yes, Alex. You did. ” As she’d expected, Alex started to pull her hand away but Olivia grasped it firmly, refusing to let her go.

“Come here.” She pulled them both down together onto the couch. The situation could be

more ideal but this conversation was long overdue.

“Do you trust me, Alex?”

“Yes.” The answer came firm and swift.

“And you remember that I promised you my commitment, my heart and my everything...”

Alex nodded, not trusting her voice work.

“It didn’t feel like that this morning. And if my everything isn’t enough, I don’t have anything left to give to you, Alex.”

_Nononono..._

A wave of panic swept through Alex’s body as her world threatened to crumble right before her eyes.

“What are you saying? Do you want out, Liv?” Hearing the words come out in that frightened whisper almost broke Olivia’s heart.

“No, baby. I want you. Only you. No one but you. Ever.” She punctuated each phrase with a light kiss on Alex’s forehead and cheeks.

The tears that had been dammed behind the blue eyes for a good part of the day finally broke through. Olivia let her vent, holding the shaking body close to her until the sobs trickled down to an occasional sniffle.

“I love you,” the brunette whispered into the blonde head tucked under her chin. She smiled at the garbled reply that was mumbled against her sweater. “In case I haven’t said it enough times, Casey and I are just friends.” She paused automatically, waiting for a protestation and continued softly when she got none. “I don’t make friends easily and it hurts when you turn them into something ugly when they’re not.”

The blonde head lifted off the detective’s chest and leaned back so that she could see her lover’s eyes when she spoke.

“The last thing I want to do is to hurt you but...” Alex paused not really wanting to ask the next question but she had to know. “What happened last night?”

“Casey had a little too much to drink and I gave her a lift home.”

“She was drunk?”

“Very. Booze and a broken heart don’t go well together. And before you get your pretty head

in a twist, it’s not me.”

Alex raised an eyebrow at the revelation but didn’t press further. She didn’t want Olivia to break a confidence.

“I wouldn’t blame her. Look at you...”

Olivia blushed slightly and shook her head.

“You’re biased and Casey is sweet but, no...”

The blonde knew she shouldn’t tease, not with the day they’d just had, but she couldn’t resist it.

“She is sweet and kinda cute. And with enough brains to make the DA’s office... ”

The detective narrowed her eyes playfully. “Sounds like you’re the one who might have a thing for her, counsellor.”

“Nah, I already have my sights set on someone else.”

“Oh? Anyone I know?”

Alex nodded silently and closed the distance between both their bodies, her arm slipping between the couch and Olivia’s waist.

“She has the most beautiful brown eyes and softest skin...”

Olivia’s breath quickened when Alex’s other arm gently lifted her feet off the floor and onto the couch. The younger woman smiled when she saw the flush creeping up her lover’s face. She leaned down so that their faces when just inches apart, knowing full well that her breath would caress Olivia’s skin when she said her next words.

“I’m holding her in my arms right now and I want her to know how much I love her, and need her and want her.” The last two syllables died against Olivia’s lips as Alex felt a strong arm pulling her down onto the soft curves that mirrored her own.

“Show me.” Olivia’s voice came out as a husky gasp which dissolved into a whimper as Alex proceeded to oblige.

********

“It’s not fair,” Olivia grumbled as she ran her fingers through the silky strands that spilled across her chest.

The blonde lifted her head, propping it up with one hand.

“What’s not fair?”

“This... you get me all worked up and do nothing about it.”

The blue eyes sparkled in amusement.

“Snuggling used to be good enough for you, detective.”

Olivia rolled her eyes in mock indignation.

“You know that’s not what I mean. This is just cruel and unusual, counsellor.”

Alex placed a chaste kiss on Olivia’s chin. “Well, never let it be said that I don’t look out for the welfare of my detectives. You’re injured, Liv.”

The brunette lifted the offending limb up and snorted. “It’s no big deal. A couple of days and it’ll be good as new.”

“So until then, we need to keep proceedings to a minimum. Baby?”

“Yeah?” Olivia’s tone was dejected.

“You never told me what happened to your hand.”

There was a pause before Olivia answered. “It’s nothing.”

“Liv?” Alex reached for the bandaged hand and turned it palm up for a closer look.

The detective pulled the hand back and waved nonchalantly. “Really, it’s just a scratch.”

“Do I have to call Elliot?” She was teasing but Olivia knew that she would make good her threat if she had to. And her partner would be more than happy to recount every little sordid detail.

“I had an accident in the squad room while we were interrogating the boyfriend. Elliot and I played good cop bad cop and things got a little out of hand.”

Visions of the suspect lunging at her girlfriend flashed through Alex’s mind.

“The sonofabitch better have a good defence attorney or he’ll be mince meat by the time I’m through with him _._ ”

To Alex’s surprise, Olivia’s face turned beet red.

“He didn’t attack me, sweetie.”

“Then what?” Alex was getting impatient at the way the detective was going around in circles.

“I was doing the whole chest thumping, chair kicking routine when...”

“Go on...” Alex prodded, sensing that the end was in sight.

“I broke a coffee cup and cut my hand,” Olivia finally mumbled.

The immediate relief that washed through Alex was quickly replaced by silent laughter which Olivia felt rather than saw as the blonde head fell back onto her chest.

“It’s not funny,” Olivia pouted.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, baby,” Alex answered solemnly but the corners of her eyes crinkled with mirth.

“No, you’re not.”

One glance at the petulant look on Olivia’s face and she burst into laughter again.

“Do I have to punish you for this?”

“Oooh... will there be spanking involved?”

The brunette quirked an eyebrow. “I don’t know counsellor, will there?”

“Only if you’re bad,” Alex answered silkily.

“What if I’m good?”

A husky contralto whispered in her ear. “Then, detective Benson, you get spanked in a different way.”

Olivia groaned. The flush of embarrassment warming her face had suddenly turned into different kind of heat. The kind that settled smack between her thighs and turned her insides into a pool of desire.

“Alex...”

“Hmm?”

“I just had a thought.”

Blue eyes met her gaze questioningly.

“There’s nothing wrong with _your_ hand.”

 


End file.
